I mentioned to a couple of people at (the retreat formerly known as) Axis that I was in a bit of a funk that Friday night. But as I really sit back and think about things I realize that "funk" has been a part of my life for quite some time now. I mean, I can't even know exactly where it started. So this where I am tonight. Sitting at my kitchen table. Surrounded by my Bible, a glass of orange juice, tissues (for the stuffy nose I'm currently experiencing - I've never really been the type for tears) and my cell phone with the alarm set to wake me up for class (in case I fall asleep out here - it's happened before. Usually I wake myself up and am able to crawl into bed, but I'd rather be prepared...). Ready to work through this funk.
Now, this current funk, it's not really a me and God funk. Trust me, I went there this summer. God and I had some LONG talks this summer - we'll get to that in a minute. It's a me and people funk.
Ok. Backtracking. Last spring, on the mission trip, I had some great God moments where I truly believe He was opening my eyes to ways I can combine some of the many gifts He's given me. It was awesome. I had all these ideas of where God was taking me in the future. But I took over these plans. Which is so not ok. I wanted to get started now. I wanted to see things happen by my timeline. I'm pretty sure God was shaking his head and chuckling a little bit. In the most loving manner of course. My focus shifted. I became apathetic about school work. My life was about relationships and ministry and my future. I mean, it sounds good. Except for the part where I took over. Remember that? Yeah...I kind of left God in the dust and headed down this path that I was sure was the one God was directing me down without actually consulting him about it. I thought I saw a short cut. And I took it. Problem with short cuts is they're very rarely actually shorter than the original route. But I was convinced that I knew what I was doing. So that was Spring Semester. I ignored school work, skipped all kinds of classes and spent my time investing in people and the ministry at the BCM. Except I wasn't seeking God in any of this. So it didn't exactly turn out as I had hoped.
As summer rolled around I was feeling pretty good about things. I'd patched up some broken relationships and strengthened existing ones. I'd served on leadership in the BCM, stepped aside and applied to be a Bible study leader. Life was great. School was out. I was preparing for my trip to Italy. I had plans to hang out with friends from home and from school - it was going to be an awesome summer. Then grades were posted. And I saw my GPA. I'm pretty sure my exact thought was "oh s***". Yup. And I don't swear. Not to be all high and mighty, but I really don't. Then, "ok, maybe it's based on cumulative, not yearly. yeah...that's what it is. i'll be fine". So I pushed the thoughts of grades aside. After all, it was just a small part of life. What was it really going to matter in the long run. A week or so passed and I got a letter from the school. Telling me my yearly GPA did not qualify me to have my scholarship renewed. Again, "oh s***". Now it was real. And I had to tell my parents. Yeah...that took a couple of weeks. And it wasn't even on my volition. I'm not proud of it, but by that point I was just so ashamed of how I'd behaved all semester. And God and I had had some crazy long talks by this point. Because really, this was not good. But one night at dinner (luckily my sisters were both gone) my parents asked me about my grades. They'd been asking for a while and I keep pushing the subject away. But I couldn't escape at this point. I broke down in tears and told them what had happened.
It a couple of days to work through everything. But my parents and I worked out an agreement on how to handle everything. Then I started really preparing for Italy. Which was AMAZING. For so many reasons. But mostly because this is where God and I worked through a lot of our issues. And by our issues, I mean mine. Because come on. God's perfect. He's not exactly prone to issues. So after all this crazy stuff with school, I was pulled away from all the Christian Fellowship I knew and thrown into a country where most people are "Catholic by birth" but a lot really don't know Christ. Anything and everything that I could cling to aside from God Himself was essentially pulled out from under me. I didn't have a weekly Bible study to attend. I didn't have people to talk to about what was happening in my life. I didn't have a church service to facilitate my worship. I had to sit down and make time to be in God's word. I had to pray and bring everything to God directly. I had to find my own way to worship when seeing His amazing creation and how He was working around me. It was AWESOME! When I came back to the states it was with the realization that God really was enough. And that He is big enough to work through my mistakes. As numerous as they may be.
So where does this funk come in? Because as I said, God and I, we're good for the time being. But really. Right now, it's just me and God. Which is a good place to be. But not when its not just me and God. Not when there are friends who deserve to know what's pressing on my heart. Not when there is a ministry in desperate need of His presence and love. When it's not just me and God, it shouldn't just be me and God. If that makes any sense. People have told me that they don't know my heart. Or that I'm hard to understand. And I've always shook my head at them and thought to myself that they really just don't know me or don't care enough to look deeper. I've always been one to gage a person's heart based on their actions. But that can be deceiving. I pulled it off last year. So this funk. It's me trying to find the balance between me and God and me and God's people. If by some miracle, you've made it this far, ask me about it. The funk. The realizations. The me and God thing. Because it's got to be a part of my whole life. It's not good enough just to be me and God when we're alone. Those things that were pulled out from under me for a month, there here now. And they're not bad things. They're wonderful things when God is there. So ask me where God is in those things.
1 comment:
That is a beautiful post, Ashley. love you and I'm praying for you!
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