Locked In

Overall, I was pleased with how the lock-in turned out. As far as fulfilling the purpose we laid out for the event, I'd say God really worked through the event and the people there to establish and strengthen relationships with people new to the BCM this year. That being said, I'll be honest - it was not the best time for me. Yes, I had a lot of fun in the beginning and I do feel like I made some new friends and built on existing friendships. I enjoyed the morning with everybody and had a wonderful time at brunch. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at this - stick with me, this'll make more sense in a bit - those aren't the parts of the event that are going to stick with me for the long haul. Those fun times are the ones that have been captured in pictures and on a surface level that's what I'll remember. But when I think more about my time at the BCM that Friday-Saturday the deeper things are going to come flooding back. Watching people leave at different points throughout the night and fighting back tears the entire way. Slightly resenting the help that people offered while cleaning up the kitchen and wanting so badly to be alone. Watching everybody fall asleep and searching for a place to be alone with my thoughts. Grabbing my Bible and blanket and closing myself in the prayer room for the first time since I set foot in this building. Crying out in desperation trying to figure out what about that night triggered the tears now flowing down my face. These are the events that are going to characterize the lock-in for me. 

I can tell you that the middle part of the lock-in was the result of a long week and pent up frustrations towards various people and situations. There are a lot of underlying issues that made everything seem so much more of an issue than it needed to be. I've been looking to friends for things I should have been looking to You for. And apparently I have abandonment issues that I didn't even know about because it absolutely kills me to know that these people I care so much about are starting to move on and leave me here. It's perfectly natural, and there's really no reason this should bother me as much as it does but for some reason it really hit me Friday night as I watched them one by one leave the building. It just seemed so symbolic at that point of what was inevitably coming. So I fled to the only place I knew to go. And let's be honest - that's the first place I should have run. 

Joshua 1:5 "No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."

Seriously, who else can say that? Because no matter how much I cling to these people there will be a time when I can't count on them for everything. And I have a choice, I can turn to God in my hour of disappointment and know that He'll be there for me. Or, I can choose to go to God first and trust Him to take away the pain of disappointment and replace it with His ever present comfort. I want to be locked in to Your love.